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ROOM FOR A FRIEND
'If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life,
he will soon find himself alone.' Samuel Johnson
Its funny how some days you think you have all the friends in the world
and then others, you wake up and wonder who you can catch up with for a
drink or dinner or a walk.
During school and university, it's generally pretty easy to make
friends. You're surrounded by people of similar ages and your lives have
enough common ground for you to be able to relate to one another. For
most people, those friendships last comfortably into their twenties or
even thirties but after that, things often start to change.
As people pair up, travel overseas or start their own families, friends
become dispersed - if not by distance then by the differences in life
circumstances. Many of the clients I see in their early thirties (both
men and women) have found themselves somewhat bereft of a fulfilling
social network. Particularly those who are single.
One of the difficulties lies in knowing where to connect with people
your own age...and the next is finding the motivation to get out there
and do something about it. Admitting to loneliness is taboo in our
society, but the truth is, we all experience it at some time in our
lives and its effects are deeply felt.
At a recent meditation retreat, I discovered something truly valuable.
In a peaceful, unhurried setting, where there was time to really get to
know people, everyone was interesting. Spending a weekend together
(albeit, with a shared interest) helped. But the thing that had the most
profound effect on me personally was the attitude of a fellow guest at
the beginning of the weekend. When asked by Paul Wilson (the retreat
leader) what brought us here, this participant said 'I've been to many
retreats before and what I enjoy most is that every person I've met is
interesting'.
Ian's words made me realise how much we limit ourselves in creating room
for new friends in our lives. We judge others too quickly; we anticipate
that everyone else has enough friends and therefore wouldn't be open to
an approach from us; we imagine we're not good enough or we simply allow
ourselves to accept that the way things are is all that will ever be.
If you have room in your life for a new friend, don't sit back and wait
for it to happen.
- join a group that
interests you - Adult Education have a whole range of different
options
http://www.cae.edu.au/
- Volunteer
somewhere - Good Company is great if you can't commit to ongoing
volunteer work
http://www.goodcompany.com.au/
- Rekindle an old
friendship. Don't let it bother you that its been years since you've
been in touch with someone...make the call today
- Be bold - ask an
acquaintance you have something in common with out for coffee
- Get to know the
parents of your children's friends better by inviting them for
dinner
- Make friends with
an elderly neighbour
- Don't restrict
yourself to friends of the same age...some of the most valuable
friendships are those where we have something to learn from one
another
ON A PERSONAL NOTE
I moved to Melbourne on my own twenty-two years ago. I'd been living in
Hobart for ten years and before that Sydney - we moved around a lot
because of my father's work. As a result, I went to nine schools and
spent most of my childhood making new friends.
Nearly all of my energy was expended on developing the social skills
necessary to 'fit in' wherever I was. And generally speaking, I managed
very well. But when I moved to Melbourne, I struggled with friendship
for the first time in my life.
I was twenty-one, working in an office and living with a flatmate I'd
met through an agency. We had little in common other than our South
Yarra address. And here I was in this wonderful city, with barely a
friend to my name.
I didn't know where to begin. I'd never been without friends and I felt
that I was reasonably socially adept...but it seemed that everyone was
busy with their own friendship groups.
The turning point came when I managed to get a couple of nights work as
a barmaid, so that I could save before travelling to Europe. Working six
days a week took my mind off my dull social life and it also opened up
my world to a group of people who were closer to my age. I joined a
photography class and a gym and eventually managed to carve out a couple
of valuable friendships.
It took me a while but it helped me to appreciate how easy it is to find
yourself alone in the world. These days I have less free time, but I
still make a point of inviting relative strangers for dinner and staying
open to new friendships. I will always have room for one more friend.
We are happy for you to reproduce
our articles as long as they remain intact and contain the author's
details as follows:
'Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and speaker. She
works with professional people who want to enhance their quality of life
by making the right career and life choices. You can find Kate at
www.totalbalance.com.au.'
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