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HONESTY AND OPENNESS 'Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.' Spencer Johnson I have an inherent believe that most people are good...and that most people are honest. But some people choose to hide that honesty, keeping their true feelings close rather than speaking out openly. The quote above suggests that living life by the principles of integrity and honesty is simple. But it's complex and the real complexity lies in the shades of grey that colour the area between truth and dishonesty. This is further complicated by the fact that sometimes we don't open up and say things as they really are because we don't have that clarity ourselves. Most of us set out to live honest lives. And on the surface, we do. We hand in a wallet we find on the street, we pay our taxes, we do the right thing by our employers and for the most part, we tell the truth to friends and family. The ambiguity lies in the subtleties of life. In a small conversation with a friend, you find yourself agreeing with something when really you don't. In a discussion with your partner you skirt around the real issue. With your children, your parents, your boss, you say yes when you really want to say no. Sometimes you're not even aware of your true feelings at the time. For those of us who seem 'hard wired' to please others, there's a natural tendency to simply go along. These subtle untruths eventually have an impact...fine layer upon fine layer, gradually building a tangible film between the 'authentic you' and the 'public you'. Sometimes the layers build for years before you become aware that you feel that your true self has been watered down and as a result, you find that your energy levels are depleted. Mostly, we avoid the truth because we want to make other people happy. For many of us it's habitual. We say what we think others want to hear but in doing so, we create a barrier that keeps us from really connecting. Once you become aware that you're not speaking openly, there's that sense of having 'an elephant in the room'. Something that isn't spoken about that impedes an open and honest connection. A barrier that stands in the way of the lightness that comes with open, authentic conversation. Whilst initiating and engaging in a heartfelt conversation can be daunting and sometimes difficult, the energy in a relationship (and in you) is miraculously restored when you lift the barriers to honest communication. This is not to say that every single communication you ever have in your life must be completely open at all times. There's a balance to be found and the simplest measure is to ask yourself whether withholding or sharing something will ultimately enrich the relationship. Even if the short term impact is negative, creating openness and honesty is one of the best ways to breathe life into your relationships. Tackling a tough conversation: - Take some time to prepare - really think about what you need to say. - Remove any accusations from the conversation. Getting your point across is easier if you can avoid making the other person wrong. - Deal with just one issue at a time. - Choose a time and place that is most conducive to a good conversation. Some people find it less confronting to talk openly when walking side by side rather than sitting face to face. - Know when to let it go. If the conversation becomes heated and you or the other person feels overly emotional, agree to return to the discussion at a later date. ON A PERSONAL NOTE We've been doing some minor house renovations. The main purpose was to make Elsa's bedroom a room more suitable for a twenty year old. When she was thirteen, Chris built her a bed that was on a mezzanine level. She loved it at the time but she was finally ready to give up climbing the ladder and have a bed back on the ground. So the loft bed was removed and Chris shifted a wall so that the room gained an extra metre and is now big enough for a lovely big queen sized bed. We bought the new bed this week to replace ours and Elsa was going to take our bed for the time being. We moved it into her room and made it up and after two weeks of dust and mess, all of us went to bed feeling happy that the project was finally completed. In the morning, I went in to see how she'd slept. Thankfully, we're always really open with each other. 'Oh that was awful,' she said. 'Your bed is so soft!' I was so relieved - I had also had a terrible sleep. After our beautiful, cosy mattress the new bed felt like sleeping on a brick! Chris had barely noticed the difference - after two weeks of building work, he could have slept anywhere. But to keep us happy, he swapped the beds over that day and now the job is really complete and everyone is sleeping comfortably. (p.s. Thank you to everyone who sent feedback about Elsa's newsletter...the response was overwhelming. It confirmed for her that she's in the right place in her Professional Communication course. ) We are happy for you to reproduce our articles as long as they remain intact and contain the author's details as follows: 'Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and speaker. She works with professional people who want to enhance their quality of life by making the right career and life choices. You can find Kate at www.totalbalance.com.au.' |
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